The Unspoken Eighth Stage of Grief

There was the time when I would have said
That I’d give up every future
For another decade, another year,
Another day with her.

We all say that, or will someday say that.
Every song we have listened to
Over and over, on repeat, says that.

In that moment it’s the only thing love allows.

But what was, was; what happened happened,
And, like it or not, I’ve had to live into
A future without her by my side.

And now, in this future, this reality,
I confront a new stage of grief,
One no one talks about
Painful to face, let alone admit.

And it is this:
I would give up every alternative past,
Every alternative future,
For who I am now.

I renounce the bargain I once
Proposed to the universe.

The pain that led me to offer
All my futures for just one more day
Became the grace
Which made all the days I’ve had
Into days I would not trade away.

October 2023